The ugly side of Nissan

I like to look at cars. It's a great past-time that helps me forget that I drive a 13-year-old bucket of bolts. Right now one of my favorite cars on the road is the Nissan Maxima, which has some great lines and looks very good in gunmetal gray.

Nissan North America is based out of the Nashville area, so the cars are pretty popular here. And it seems like the company is doing a lot of things right. Nashville is one of the markets for the Nissan Leaf, the first large-scale electric car to be produced by a car company. I see them pretty often around here, and I appreciate that they aren't quite as silly looking as the Toyota Prius series. In fact, there's a lot to like about Nissan. 

But I also recently realized that Nissan seems to be trying to take the ugly car award away from now-defunct Pontiac. I've gone on the record saying that the Pontiac Aztek is the ugliest car ever made, and I stand by that statement. But the new crop of Nissans have several vehicles that are pretty hideous. For example, the Quest is Nissan's minivan. It has been pretty ugly for the past few model years, looking like an over-styled vehicle attempting (and failing) to show it was cooler than its kid-hauling roots. 

But just when I thought the Quest couldn't get any uglier, they introduced the 2011 model. And wow. I mean, wow. It's like they took the retired space shuttles and threw on some wheels and a coat of paint.

That's one vehicle that never should have made it past the concept car stage. And yet, it also has a decidedly antiquated appearance. Where have I seen that look before? 

Ah yes, the Pontiac Transsport from the early 1990's. It was ugly then, and it is ugly now. Proof positive that Nissan is taking some of its ugly cues from Pontiac. (Also note that Pontiac's penchant for cutsey model names went back at least to 1991. Aztek with a 'k'? Transsport? Trans-sport? Get it? The horror! The horror!) 

Of course, if the ugliness were confined to the minivan category, we could all pretty easily forgive Nissan. You really can't do much to make a minivan look cool anyway. But unfortunately, it doesn't stop there. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Exhibit B, the Nissan Cube:

I have a hard time explaining how much I dislike this vehicle. The funny thing is, I'm not entirely against the boxy, utilitarian look. The Scion xB sort of grew on me, and once Honda toned down the amount of plastic paneling they used on the Element, I could pretty well tolerate it. But the Cube is like a bubbly bit of 1980's science fiction that never should have hit the road. Those rounded windows like ship portholes, those bulbous bumpers and headlights, and that unforgivable wrap-around window and swinging rear door. Practical, perhaps, but just plain nauseating. This is what happens when designers run amok in the show room.

Once again, I'd be more likely to overlook these excesses if Nissan showed any signs of stopping, but alas, the latest model year has some real doozies too. Not as ugly as the Quest or the Cube, mind you, but definitely not on the right track. Take, for example, the Nissan Juke.

Even that glamour shot from Nissan can't quite hide the fact that this is a ridiculous piece of stylized rubbish.  (Edmunds called it a "bionic frog.") The over-under headlights seem to hearken back to the Pontiac Aztek, which is never a good sign. The grille is absurd. And most unfortunate of all, this vehicle doesn't even have the utilitarian excuse of the Cube. It sells itself as a crossover or an SUV, but it has the interior space of a compact car. 

Yet another vehicle Nissan got carried away with is the Murano CrossCabriolet. With a convoluted name like that, you know it is going to be weird looking. And you'd be right. The original Murano was a fairly sleek small SUV. It's not my style, but it's not bad. The CrossCabriolet, however, is unfortunately what you might expect from such a name. Essentially, they cut off the roof of the Murano and made it a drop top. 

The thing is, I bet the CrossCabriolet could be fun to drive. Most convertibles are. But there's a reason convertibles arent' SUV's. That huge roll bar on top does nothing for style or enjoyment. And it just reminds me of the Suzuki X-90, which tried to be a little bit sports car and a little bit SUV, and failed at both.

The moral of the story? Style elements for cars should not be taken from amphibians, canceled space program vehicles, 1980's sci-fi movies, or anything made by Pontiac. Ever.