On bad government

Today the government of Myanmar (formerly known as Burma) allowed a U.S. plane with relief supplies to land. Nine days had passed since Cyclone Nargis struck the nation, but the military junta in control of the country had previously refused U.S. aid. The current official death toll is somewhere in the neighborhood of 30,000, but some estimates predict that it will rise to above 100,000 once aid workers reach the remote areas.

Allowing one U.S. plane to land doesn't do much good, unless it is followed by a larger-scale end to restrictions on foreign aid. But the generals in control of Myanmar continue to deny visas to foreign aid workers. They fear that if they let the foreign relief workers in, they won't be able to maintain their iron grip on the country. As the New York Times noted, "By keeping foreign assistance out, though, the generals must be ready to accept the deaths of hundreds of thousands more people, according to foreign relief officials. At the moment, this is the choice it appears to be making." The generals even had the audacity to put their names on the few boxes of aid they had allowed to enter the country.

I've thought a lot about the role of government and human suffering. Mostly I've considered it in the context of government corruption or the stereotypical Latin American dictatorship. You often see officials running off with millions of dollars while the majority of the population lives in poverty. But the situation Myanmar is bad governance on a grand scale, with about 1.5 million people in urgent need of basic necessities. This isn't a situation in which the government mis-allocates funds or wastes resources. This isn't a matter of inaction. This is a situation in which the government is taking affirmative steps to prevent the welfare and safety of its citizens. This is selfishness and power-mongery taken to the extreme. Myanmar officials would rather sit idly by and watch 100,000 of their citizens die than risk losing control of the country. I can scarcely think of a more damnable behavior, with the possible exception of ethnic cleansing or government-backed genocide. Unfortunately, the result in this case may be the same.

Hopefully that one plane will be followed by plenty more, and the country will loosen up enough to save at least some of the cyclone victims. But I feel very sorry for the thousands of innocent people who are doomed to misery, starvation, and disease, just because they happen to live in a country governed by men who would rather watch them die than risk losing power.

¡Ay, caramba, Presidente!

We can add another entry in the long list of silly stunts pulled by Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez. Well, to be fair, it's not exactly clear what role he had in this decision, but it's funny nonetheless. Televen, the Venezuelan state-owned television, has been forced to pull The Simpsons from the air because it is a "bad influence" on children. That, in itself, is perhaps notable but not ridiculous. The choice of replacement, however, is just that. Instead of The Simpsons, Venezuelan children are now treated to reruns of Baywatch Hawaii every morning. To quote NPR, "kids will now be able to watch voluptuous gals cavorting on the beach" rather than the Simpson family's escapades. Which would you rather have your kids watch?

The story gets even funnier when you read some of the statements and press releases. For example, the regulatory agency that forced Televen to pull The Simpsons said that airing the animated show in the morning could violate the national regulations prohibiting "messages that go against the whole education of boys, girls and adolescents." This statement implies that the new choice of programming does contribute to the "education of boys, girls, and adolescents." If education is defined broadly enough to include human anatomy, I think that's perfectly true.

Nevertheless, the network doesn't seem too pleased with the lineup change. According to German Perez Nahim, general manager for Televen, The Simpsons "had the highest levels of viewership for that morning timetable in the history of the channel." Now they can only hope that slow-motion jiggling will have the same effect.

Via NPR.

Image sources: Michael Ray and Telegraph.co.uk. Usage presumed permissible under 17 U.S.C. § 107.

Haiku headlines

A few brief poems about current events, roughly inspired by a blog post I saw a few months ago.

Romney steps aside
For "good of the party"; Huck
has own good in mind.

Drama, drug use, and
repetitive lyrics bring
Winehouse Grammy win.

New England loses;
'72 Dolphins breathe
big sigh of relief.

Black Friday Report, Annotated

Note: As I wrote this post I had too many mental side tracks, so I put them all in the footnotes. Yes, this post has footnotes. Yes, I know that's pitiful. But at least it keeps a central narrative.

In years passed we have woken up early and hit the stores on the day after Thanksgiving to find some good deals. Three years ago we got a GameCube package. Two years ago we got a bunch of mp3 players for my brothers, a bunch of DVD's, and some TV trays.¹ Last year we got some computer programs, DVD's, and a Game Boy Advance SP.² For each year in the past, there was something we wanted to buy that was a good deal. This year there was practically nothing that we wanted to buy. I certainly would like a nice large flatscreen television, but we're not exactly in the market for one right now.³ So without a major item in mind, we didn't get up early and join in the 5 am madness.

However, that didn't stop us from doing some serious shopping later in the morning. We decided to leave whenever the Babe woke us up, which happened to be a glorious 8 am.⁴ We hit the big box stores like Wal-Mart, Target, and Best Buy and got several cheap DVD's, some clothing, and some toys for the Babe.⁵ We also went to Old Navy, which isn't my favorite clothing store, but they had some things that were cheap enough that I didn't care if they wore out quickly.

My take on this year's Black Friday is pretty blah, although the news reports say that retailers had pretty good results. Without any hot item like a Tickle Me Elmo or a $400 laptop, it wasn't a very exciting shopping day. I heard that the top selling item was a car GPS unit, which is a pretty boring top seller. But even without a must-have item, we enjoyed our stress-free Black Friday. We did some shopping, the Babe was in a good mood, and we were home in time to have a lunch of leftover turkey sandwiches. That's a good way to spend the day after Thanksgiving.
__________________________
¹ I'm not proud of the fact that we own TV trays, and much less proud of the fact that we have used them more than the dining table for months at a time. I don't want to be a TV family. My only consolation is that we don't use them much anymore, and that they were immensely useful when Becca was pregnant, morning sick, and immobile.
² This was a surprise present for me, but it's actually ended up being a better gift for Becca, since she plays it much more frequently.
³ The overall price of flatscreen televisions was much cheaper than last year. As the technology improves, production costs have decreased dramatically. However, even a relatively small 32-inch LCD television was still over $400 this year. A bargain by comparison, but still out of our price range.
⁴ Ever since the change from Daylight Savings Time, the Babe has been waking up around 6 am, but she still goes to bed around 8 pm. She isn't napping any longer, either. I'm not sure how to change her sleep schedule back, but the new schedule makes it very hard for me to go running -- I've only exercised once or twice since the time change because she gets up before I can even leave.
⁵ She's getting a set of Duplo Legos, but don't tell her that. We were actually really pleased with that purchase because when we got to the register we discovered that it was half-off! It wasn't marked as such on the rack or in the advertisement, so it was a pleasant surprise.

James Cooney on the Duke Lacrosse Case

James P. Cooney, III of the law firm Womble Carlyle Sandridge & Rice spoke at Vanderbilt Law School today, and he gave a fascinating presentation about what has come to be known as the "Duke Lacrosse Rape Case." Mr. Cooney represented one of the three young men accused of raping an exotic dancer at the Lacrosse House. Vanderbilt Law School has many important speakers, but Mr. Cooney's remarks were excellent and so thought-provoking that I'm going to mention a few of my impressions after listening to him.

The first thing that struck me was the sheer, overwhelming volume of evidence contradicting the accuser's story. I've read many newspaper articles, blog posts, and book excerpts about the case, but it was a very different experience to have fact after fact presented that disproved the woman's story. The phone records alone made the alleged assault virtually impossible, and there was other evidence including ATM camera footage, credit card transactions, metadata from digital photographs, and reports by neighbors. Essentially, the Durham Police Department and the District Attorney had to try very hard to ignore that evidence. Even several months after the incident, when the accuser changed her story about when the attack happened, a similar series of phone calls and credit card transactions contradicted her account. Also compelling was the fact that DNA samples from 5 to 8 different men were found in and on the accuser's body, but the the three accused young men were ruled out with 100% accuracy. In fact, so was the entire lacrosse team. Mr. Cooney was an engaging public speaker, and while I'm glad the charges were dropped and the accused declared completely innocent, I would have liked to see Mr. Cooney in the courtroom. He would have been very entertaining to watch. However, it was very clear that the young men were guilty of no more than a profound lack of good judgment. The entire presentation was videotaped, and I hope Vanderbilt puts it up on its website as the sometimes do with important events.

While taking questions after his presentation, Mr. Cooney noted that anyone in the public eye has to pay attention to three different types of media: the mainstream media outlets, 24-hour news channels, and the blogosphere. Particularly with respect to the blogosphere, he noted that you simply cannot say something nowadays if it is not true, because within minutes of saying it, someone somewhere is checking your facts. And if it isn't true, it will come out in a hurry. He also noted that his client was fortunate that North Carolina has a law mandating that prosecutors open their files to defense counsel, because Mike Nifong's deceptions were only revealed before trial because he had to turn that information over.

Another comment Mr. Cooney made which struck me was his reminder that the presumption of innocence doesn't happen unless we make it happen. My experience in criminal law has been entirely on the prosecution side until recently. The crimes I helped prosecute were quite serious (child sex crimes) and I think the prosecution team did a very good job of understanding the stigma and baggage that comes with an arrest or indictment on such charges. But I know that not all prosecutors are so judicious. The violent reaction and near-universal condemnation the three young men is pretty embarrassing, especially that of the 88 Duke professors that condemned the accused, the whole lacrosse team, and all wealthy white men in general. I'm especially embarrassed that Houston Baker, one of the more unapologetic of that group, was recently hired on here at Vanderbilt. Right now I'm working the a couple cases on the defense side, and I can really appreciate the rights of the accused. The short lesson of the Duke Lacrosse case may be how dangerous one rogue prosecutor can be, but I think the long-term lesson is how dangerous public opinion can be when it fits with what we want to believe. As James Cooney warned at the end of his remarks, "Justice doesn't happen by itself." It's up to each of us to make sure it happens, even if it isn't convenient or goes against our suppositions.

Writers on strike

I heard on the radio this morning that the talks between movie/TV writers and the Hollywood studios are going poorly. The Writers Guild of America and the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers have been in talks for quite a while, but they can't come to an agreement on issues like unionization and revenue-splitting on new media formats like web shows. So the writers may go on strike.

My first thought was, "You mean they haven't already? After watching the pilot episode of the series Caveman, I thought there wasn't single writer left in Hollywood and the studio executives had outsourced the work to their eleven-year-old children. The general quality of writing in Hollywood isn't particularly high, in my opinion, and I wouldn't cry too hard if they did strike for a while.

On the other hand, you gotta feel sorry for the writers. They don't have the power -- they're slaves to the studios that keep churning out unimaginative movies and TV shows like the aforementioned Cavemen series, or The Big Bang Theory. Most writers are continually broke and never make it big. And when they do pull off a successful job, like the writers for the original Geico commercials did, the studios are more likely than not to run it into the ground (like ABC is currently doing with Cavemen) or kill it before it even airs (like pretty much every promising series FOX has prepared in the last couple years).

Since I got interested in this topic, I found out that the last time writers went on strike was in 1988. That was pretty disastrous, causing most writers to lose their jobs and causing the studios to loose about half a billion dollars. If they strike again, the estimated losses would be catastrophically higher because television is a bigger industry now than it was in 1988, and people are already drifting away from TV shows to Internet entertainment, DVD viewing, etc. Let's face it -- half the stuff on YouTube is just as entertaining as television, and a lot of people get information from blogs and other sources outside the big networks. So they have a lot to lose.

I hope the writers and the studios can reach an agreement, if only so I can keep watching The Office every Thursday evening. But they have to realize that there is a lot of lousy writing in movies and TV right now, and both writers and studios are to blame. Who knows? If they do strike, maybe that will be the last straw that pushes a lot of viewers to abandon TV and switch to Internet entertainment permanently.

No love for Columbus

No one has any love for Columbus anymore. He still has a holiday named after him, but it's basically ignored by everyone (except maybe the Federal Government). More people are celebrating the Canadian Thanksgiving right now than Columbus Day. But I think he still deserves recognition, if only for being gutsy enough to pull off four different voyages to the Caribbean, Central, and South America. Check out this map of where he sailed:

Christopher Columbus may not have been the most open-minded fellow around, and his treatment of indigenous people was barbaric by our standards. But it's hardly fair to judge a man by the mores of society 500 years after the fact. Columbus was visionary, resourceful, dogmatic, and probably half-crazy -- all of which were necessary to travel thousands of miles in couple wooden boats.

Premiere week

If you've watched more than 3 minutes of television in the past two weeks, you know that this week is premiere week. A few shows started their seasons last week, but this week is the big push. Becca and I are actually looking forward to the new season of a couple shows -- namely, The Office, and to a lesser extent, Ugly Betty and My Name is Earl. We might watch a bit of CSI too, but they made me mad when ended last season with a cliff-hanger, so I don't care about CSI so much.

The TV studios really get hyped up about the new season, but it always reminds me that they haven't been making new shows for six months. What a lazy industry -- of the season is re-runs, and the season only lasts about 9 months. So they only make new shows for about a third of the year, and the rest is old stuff. That's one of the reasons I get sick of TV. The other reason is that all the networks like to put the best shows at the same time. Fortunately, this isn't as much of a problem as it used to be. Even though Ugly Betty is on the same time as The Office, we can just watch it online the next day. But it's still a hassle.

As I've watched the ads for the new and returning shows, I can't help but notice how unimaginative everything is. Back to You, the new show staring Kelsey Grammar and Patricia Heaton, should really be titled Back to Actors that had Former Successful Shows. Both Grammar and Heaton are enormously talented, but the plot doesn't look terribly imaginative. "What? Two TV anchors that hate each other? No one has done that before, especially not Dan Akroyd and Jane Curtain."

Another sterling example of network television at its best is The Big Bang Theory. It premiered last night, and I almost watched before I realized what I was doing. (Don't worry, I turned the TV off.) From what I saw of the commercials, this stellar piece of scripting involved two geeks living across the hall from a hot girl. Hilarity, I'm sure, is supposed to ensue, but if it is on the order of the double entendre in the show's title, I feel fairly sure that I'm not missing much. I give that one five episodes before it's axed.

It's not all sitcoms, though. There seem to be quite a few new dramas. Maybe they're trying to capitalize on the success of Heroes, which did quite well last season. A few of the new dramas look somewhat promising, like Journeyman or maybe even Pushing Daisies. But most of them just look like trash -- and with titles like Big Shots or Dirty Sexy Money, they're not afraid to hide it, either. I expect to deplore and avoid those shows, even as one or more of them becomes quite popular.

And then we have the reality television shows, which sort of have their own season that is off-set from the regular season, because reality TV is so easy and cheap to make. Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader? and Last Comic Standing ran all summer long, but the big reality TV shows like Survivor and The Biggest Loser are starting up again. I've never been a fan of this genre, but I have to recognize that they do well.

I don't expect to start watching any new shows this year, mostly because I don't usually have time. But I hope a few of the new ones are at least good enough that they don't bore me to tears if I tune in. Most of the networks are doing the same old boring stuff, but I have to admit that they're taking some chances. Who would have thought you could make a sitcom staring the cavemen from the Geico commercials?

Good, bad, and worse

It's a good day to be Tiger Woods. He just finished the season with seven tournament wins, including the PGA Tour Championship and the FedEx Cup. As winner of the Cup, he gets $10 million in his retirement account. But since Tiger is only 31, it will be a while before he can withdraw it. However, when he does retire, it'll be worth almost $30 million, putting his season earnings around $40 million. Not too shabby!

It's not a very good day to be a Notre Dame football fan. The Fighting Irish are 0-3 for the season for only the second time in the school's history. They suffered a crushing 38-0 shut-out by Michigan last weekend. Even more pitiful is the sum of the scores from their last three games -- 104-13. In fact, the offense has yet to score a touchdown. Sometimes it's not so great to be green.

It's a very bad day to be Christopher Bevan, the student government president at Bloomsburg University. He wrote a letter to a local paper criticizing how the publication covered a student block party and defended his fellow students from accusations of drinking and rowdy behavior. Then he got pulled over for driving 50 mph in a 15 mph zone while his blood alcohol level was twice the legal limit. Ouch!

Via NPR.

Rosh Hashanah

My school doesn't give us most holidays off. Labor Day, MLK Day, Presidents Day, Columbus Day -- we have class on all of those holidays. But I got Rosh Hashanah off today. Rather than some Semetic favoritism, it's really due to the fact that my professor who teaches my Thursday class is taking the day off. Shana Tova Umetukah, everyone!

Fashion police

Did you see the headline about the girl that was almost thrown off a plane for wearing skimpy clothing? Lots of people on the net are all in a tizzy about it. The 23-year-old college co-ed nearly got bounced from a Southwest flight for wearing a tight top and a miniskirt. Only when she agreed to pull her skirt down a bit and pull up the neckline of her top did they let her stay on the flight. Southwest has gotten a lot of criticism over the incident, especially since the girl's top didn't have a particularly low neck-line. The girl insists she can't understand why there was a problem, and that she wore much less when she went to work. (She's a waitress at Hooters.)

Even though a lot of people are up in arms about Southwest's decision, I think it's the best idea ever. I think they should make a whole new branch of the Transportation Safety Authority dedicated exclusively to fashion. It would make flying a much friendlier experience.

"Sir, just what exactly were you thinking this morning when you put that on?"

"Excuse me, ma'am," I'm afraid that our airline has a weight limit for wearing spandex."

"Sir, did your wife see you before you left the house this morning?"

"Did you give yourself that haircut?"

Now that I think about it, I think the Fashion Police should be regularly posted at a variety of public venues, including amusement parks, sporting events, and awards ceremonies. Would the Oscars be awesome if the Fashion Police were stationed on the red carpet!? Forget Joan and Melissa Rivers -- I want to see someone with statutory authority over the flagrant violations of the laws of style.

"I'm sorry, Ms. Hudson, but even though you have a great voice, you really need a new stylist. You're going to have to come with me."

Or at Wimbledon:

"Ma'am, you do realize you are participating in a sporting event, not a sorority costume party."

Some day, when I'm in charge, things are going to change. :-)

Luciano Pavarotti: 1935-2007

Luciano Pavarotti died yesterday of pancreatic cancer. He was 71. He leaves behind him an image almost larger than life, as one of the best-known icons of modern opera. Born in Modena, Italy, Pavarotti had enormous natural range that set him apart early as one of the great singers of his generation. But he is best known for his raw charisma and personality that transformed him into an international pop icon.

Pavarotti was never a world-class musician -- he just had a world-class voice. He was infamously stubborn about learning new music and never displayed the musicality of other performers, such as his fellow tenor Plácido Domingo. But Pavarotti's charm and wit superseded his musical imperfections, drawing huge crowds and earning lucrative performance contracts. His amazing range and natural command of the Italian language made his performances wonderful to listen to. He also performed with a startling array of pop music performers, from James Brown to Bono to the Spice Girls. Pavarotti is also famous for his Three Tenors project with Domingo and José Carreras. Many opera buffs saw these and other pop performances as musically sub-standard, but they introduced new audiences to the world of opera.

I have a special place in my heart for Luciano Pavarotti. He isn't my favorite performer, and he doesn't even have the best voice. But it was a Pavarotti performance that first got me interested in Italian opera. My dad frequently listened to classical music when I was young, and since he played the trombone, he listened to a lot of German opera. It wasn't until college, during a introductory humanities class, that I heard much Italian opera. The professor showed a video of Pavarotti performing "Nessun Dorma" from Puccini's magnificent Turandot during a live Three Tenors concert at the Roman Baths. By the time of that performance in 1990, Pavarotti had lost some of his range and had gained a lot of weight. However, his pure passion and emotion and energy got me interested in opera, and to this day, Puccini is my favorite composer. Even if that concert wasn't the best musical performance, it still played a part in my discovery of some fantastic music.

No description of Pavarotti would be complete without the sound of his voice, so here's a recording of Pavarotti's solo at that 1990 Three Tenors concert. You can also find the video on YouTube.

Getting their money's worth

Maybe the L.A. Galaxy is getting its money's worth out of David Beckham after all. After being sidelined and enduring the taunting of fans, Beckham started his first game for the Galaxy in high fashion. He had one goal off a free kick in a classic Beckham moment, and also an assist to Landon Donovan. Check out the video of Beckham's free kick here and Donovan's goal here.

This photo of the kick is funny to me for two reasons. First, Beckham's awkward leg position shows how he puts the spin on the ball that makes it hook around and find the corner of the net -- the infamous "bend" that everyone talks about. It's a cool trick, but it looks wonky when you freeze the frame. The second thing that makes me laugh is the defender in the middle, the one with the bandaged hand. Unlike the other fellows, who are leaping and trying to block the kick, the bandaged guy is just standing there. He looks like he's coughing, or perhaps hiding a burp. "Sorry, guys, I had pizza with anchovies for lunch."

Via all-encompassingly.

Pink punishment

This is hysterically funny:

BANGKOK, Aug. 7 — It is the pink armband of shame for wayward police officers, as cute as can be with a Hello Kitty face and a pair of linked hearts.

No matter how many ribbons for valor a Thai officer may wear, if he parks in the wrong place, or shows up late for work, or is seen dropping a bit of litter on the sidewalk, he can be ordered to wear the insignia.

Doesn't this guy look sad?

What keeps the bridges up?

The bridge collapse in Minneapolis is still garnering nationwide media attention. In Tennessee the governor has ordered immediate inspections of all bridges of similar construction, and members of Congress are already demanding accountability and clamoring for more funds to maintain bridges.


I think this is all rather silly. America's infrastructure needs long-term, steady commitment, not a flash-in-the-pan flurry of clumsily allocated funding. An op-ed piece in Popular Mechanics following the bridge collapse in Minneapolis lamented how we have built an amazing infrastructure in this country but we are reluctant to maintain it. That's how politics works -- we spend billions on the popular issues but we tend to ignore the unglamorous items like road maintenance. Except that road maintenance probably has much more of a direct impact on our lives than many other congressional pet projects.

As strange as it sounds, these disastrous events are often fascinating. In the last few years I've had an inside source on civil engineering failures through my dad, who works at a big engineering and architectural firm that does a lot of the forensic examinations and third-party evaluations when buildings collapse. So when things come down, like the Boston Big Dig cave-in or the Minneapolis bridge failure or the Pittsburgh Convention Center floor collapse, my dad and his firm are there within hours, picking over the wreckage to try to figure out what went wrong. My dad says it's really interesting work, like the building version of CSI. Most of the time there aren't any injuries or deaths, but they aren't always so lucky. Once his firm has finished the report, I'll have to find out what some of the causes were.

In the meantime, the media will buzz about the bridge for another week or two and then move on to the next big thing. I just hope we don't take all the roads and pipes and cables and power lines for granted. Having lived outside the U.S. in countries with less-developed infrastructures, I can attest that it makes a huge difference in quality of living. It's easy to forget about them when they're here, but as soon as they're gone, you miss them.

The price of the pants suit

Did you hear the one about the judge who sued over a pair of pants? No, it's not a joke, it's an actual court case that was decided last June. Roy Pearson, an administrative law judge in Washington, D.C., always took his clothes to the same place to have them dry cleaned and altered. The shop's owners, Mr. and Mrs. Chung, had done business with Pearson for years. One day they lost a pair of his pants. So he sued.

For $54 million.

He also rejected multiple settlement offers from the Chung family, demanding his multi-million award. According to Pearson, the "Satisfaction Guaranteed" sign in the store meant that his satisfaction had to be guaranteed. And if he would only be satisfied with $54 million, so be it. Naturally, the legal issues are somewhat more sophisticated than that, but my characterization of the case is scarcely less credible than Pearson's actual suit.

In what is perhaps a rare triumph of reason over obsession, Pearson lost his lawsuit. The D.C. Superior Court rejected Pearson's legal arguments, despite his claiming to have spent over 1,400 hours preparing for trial. While on the witness stand, he even teared up and asked for a break when telling his story of the missing trousers. But the theatrics were all for naught; Judge Judith Bartnoff decided in the Chung's favor, making them prevailing the prevailing party but heavily in debt from legal fees. Fortunately for the Chungs, hundreds of people around the country have helped contribute to their legal defense fund, almost paying off the legal fees. Unfortunately for the Chungs, Judge Pearson is preparing to appeal the decision.

Now it looks like Judge Pearson is going to be out of a job, as the commission that reviews administrative law judges (ALJ's) is not going to recommend that he be reappointed for another 10 years. That's actually very impressive -- it is extremely hard for ALJ's to be removed. They aren't responsible to the agencies they work for, and they don't even have required hours or minimum standards. Being an ALJ is one of the cushiest jobs in government, so losing that job takes quite a feat. Thankfully, soon-to-be-ex-Judge Pearson's $54 million suit over a pair of pants was flagrant enough that it has done the trick.

Life after Harry Potter

So you finished Book 7. Whether you liked it or hated it, the Harry Potter series is over. Yes, I know J.K. Rowling is planning an encyclopedia, but does that really count? Besides, even if she does write an encyclopedia, it won't be out until next year. What will you read now? I've got a suggestion for you, and it even might interest those you who disdainfully shunned the Harry Potter series.

In 2002 I heard an interview on NPR from a very funny Irish author named Eoin Colfer. (His first name is pronounced like "Owen.") His stories and conversation were so entertaining, I decided to check one of his books out from the library. Thus I discovered the entertaining Artemis Fowl books, a series that has some similarities (and many differences) from the Harry Potter books. How are they similar? The Artemis Fowl series is sort of a fantasy, with magic and fairies and goblins and the like. But don't mistake this for a Potter knock-off -- these books are much more modern, sarcastic, and quasi-realistic.

Artemis Fowl II, the title character of the series, is a 12-year-old genius and criminal mastermind who has taken over the family criminal empire after the disappearance of his father. (That should dispel any suspicions that the series has the same plot as Harry Potter.) Smart enough to crack any code but young enough to believe, Artemis pursues evidence of a hidden fairy people who have coexisted with humans for millennia. Artemis is aided in his quest by his lifelong bodyguard and chef, Butler. Artemis does indeed find the fairy people, but gets more than he bargained for when he discovers that they employ vastly superior technology as well as magic to keep their existence a secret.

The characters in the Artemis Fowl series are vivid and memorable, and Artemis himself evolves through the books as he gets older and learns a few life lessons during his intrigues with the fairy people. Currently there are five books in the series, plus a companion book called The Artemis Fowl Files that has some short stories and "interviews" with the characters. These books aren't going to be the international sensation Harry Potter was, but in a way, that makes them better. You get to discover these books without all the hype.

However, I recommend you start soon, because a movie version of the first novel is already in production, slated for release sometime next year. The sixth and last book is also coming out in 2008. And a graphic novel of the first book is being released this October. So pick up a copy from your local bookstore or your public library and discover the slick, devious, and humorous world of Artemis Fowl. They're fun, quick, and entertaining -- just what you want to read during the summer.

How to Waste Time, part III

So now there's a Simpsons movie. I have to admit, the Simpsons were pretty funny in their day, but I kinda think the show jumped the shark years ago. A lot of people argue about when it started to decline -- I'd say it started when Barney went sober -- but the fact is that I haven't enjoyed watching the Simpson much in the last seven years.

However, I keep reading reviews that say The Simpson Movie is really quite decent. I guess I'll have to see it at some point, although I am definitely not paying money to see it in the theater. I can watch The Simpsons most of the day if I pick the right channels -- why would I want to spend $8.50 to see what's already always on TV?

Still, it's apparently worth some attention. I just discovered (via Trashley) that the movie website has, among other amusing distractions, a Simpsons avatar generator. So the picture at left is my attempt at making a Simpsons version of me. The site even lets you upload a photo of yourself and it will generate it for you, but I don't carry digital photos of myself around with me. Check out the Simpsons Avatar Generator and several other amusing games here.

A sad day

When I was growing up there was a little grocery store on the corner of our street. We used to walk down there to pick up forgotten food items and other convenient things. One of my favorite parts of going to the little market was the check-out aisle, where they always had a copy of the Weekly World News on display. This fake tabaloid newspaper was an endless source of amusement for my brothers and I. We used to gleefully laugh at headlines like "Fish baby found 20,000 leagues under the sea!" and "Elvis IS Alive" Thanks to the Weekly World News (which bears the subtitle "The world's only reliable newspaper!") we knew about Bill Clintons summit talks with aliens and how fisherman successfully caught a mermaid. Best of all was "Bat child found in cave!," an enormously popular article that spawned dozens of subsequent articles chronicling Bat Boy's exploits, culminating in a bona fide off-broadway play called Bat Boy: The Musical. (As Dave Barry says, I am not making this up.) The Weekly World News was a vital part of my media consumption, and only a little less credible than our small local newspaper.

I don't ever remember buying a copy of the Weekly World News -- we only looked at the headlines and laughed. Apparently everyone else did the same thing, because the Weekly World News announced today that it is doing away with its print edition on August 3. I feel a strange kind of sadness knowing that my children won't be able to see things like "Bat Boy" or "Fish Baby." I guess even faux-journalism faces the same economic pressures that are hitting newspapers all over the country. I hope they don't have to lay off their regular columnists, who had names like "Horse Sense" and "Hi Dolly."

There is good news, however. The Weekly World News will still be available online, much like the slightly more erudite faux-news site The Onion. As long as I can continue to find high-quality fabricated stories online, I guess my needs are met.

Why it's not good to be president

Jerry Seinfeld once did a stand-up bit on how it's cool to be president. Among other things, Seinfeld thought it would be cool to have your own plane, your own helicopter, and your own song that they play whenever you went places.

However, being the president isn't all fun and games. There are some serious down sides to being president. Like the fact that this is a newsworthy event:


In the words of my dear friend Mynamyn, "That's unfortunate."