Calvin y Hobbes

We have a fantastic used book store near where we live, and every time I go there, I check out the Spanish language section. Most of the time it just has a bunch of popular English novels translated into Spanish and a bunch of religious texts, but occasionally I find some good Spanish or Latin American literature. Last night I found an illustrated copy of Doña Bárbara, the best-known work of Venezuelan author (and former president) Rómulo Gallegos. I was quite pleased with my find and I almost turned away, when something else caught my eye. It was a Calvin and Hobbes collection, En todas partes hay tesoros. I couldn't resist.

Today I read through the strips, and it was a weird experience. I'm quite familiar with almost all of the Calvin and Hobbes cartoons, but I have rarely read them in Spanish. Some of the humor really doesn't translate very well; other times it's almost better in Spanish as the result of some clever Spanish colloquialism. I find myself critiquing the translations of some strips. A lot of the humor is dumbed down a bit, since some of the subtle social commentary doesn't translate well. But some of the most complicated subtexts come across quite well. It's been fun to see a new side of "Calvin y Hobbes." I could almost never get tired of these guys.
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The dialogue for the strip above is the following:
Panel 1 - Calvin: Want to see something incredible?
Panel 2 - Calvin: Look, you put the bread in this slot and lower this lever . . .
Panel 3 - Calvin: You wait a few minutes, and out comes toast!
Panel 4 - Hobbes: Wow! And where's the bread? Calvin: I have no idea! Isn't it incredible?

Someone is a Texas fan

This is a real discovery order from federal court. I'm not even making this up. The original document is here.

IN THE UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT
FOR THE WESTERN DISTRICT OF TEXAS
AUSTIN DIVISION

RUTH WAGGONER, INDIVIDUALLY
AND AS REPRESENTATIVE OF THE
ESTATE OF WILLIAM H. WAGGONER
AND RONALD WAGGONER,
PLAINTIFFS

V.

WAL-MART STORES, INC, THE
STANLEY WORKS, INC, WAL-MART
STORES TEXAS, LLC, AND STANLEY
ACCESS TECHNOLOGIES, LLC,
DEFENDANTS

CAUSE NO. A-07-CA-703-JRN

ORDER

Before the Court in the above-entitled and styled cause of action is Defendant Wal-Mart Stores Texas, L.L.C.'s Opposed Motion for a Protective Order, filed May 29, 2008 (Doc. #26). Apparently, the parties are unable to agree if the deposition of Wal-Mart's corporate representative should occur in San Antonio, Texas or in Bentonville, Arkansas.

The Court is sympathetic with Defendant's argument. Surely Defendant's corporate representative, a resident of Arkansas, would feel great humiliation by being forced to enter the home state of the University of Texas, where the legendary Texas Longhorns have wrought havoc on the Arizona Razorbacks with an impressive 55-21 all-time series record.¹

On the other hand, the Court is sympathetic with Plaintiff's position. Plaintiffs might enter Arkansas with a bit of trepidation as many residents of Arkansas are still seeking retribution for the "Game of the Century" in which James Street and Darrell Royal stunned the Razorbacks by winning the 1969 National Championship.²

Because the Court is sympathetic to both parties' positions, it has found a neutral site, intended to avoid both humiliation and trepidation of retribution.

ACCORDINGLY, IT IS ORDERED THAT unless the parties agree otherwise, the deposition of Defendant's corporate representative shall occur at 9 AM on June, 11, 2008 on the steps of the Texarkana Federal Building, 500 State Line Avenue, TX/AR 71854.

IT IS FURTHER ORDERED THAT each party is to remain on his or her respective side of the state line.

SIGNED this 3rd day of May, 2008.

[signed]
JAMES R. NOWLIN
UNITED STATES DISTRICT JUDGE

______________________________
¹ It is worth noting that the Razorbacks, who disgracefully retreated from the Southwest Conference into the gentler pastures of the Southeastern Conference, could have likely learned a lesson about stamina and perseverance in the face of battle by visiting the Alamo in San Antonio.
² The Court takes judicial notice that the "Game of the Century" for the current century occurred on January 4, 2006 when Vince Young and Make Brown led the Longhorns in a 41-38 win over the USC Trojans, thus securing the 2005 National Championship.

Via Eugene Volokh.

Zombies

As a graduation present, my mother-in-law got us a 6-month subscription to Blockbuster By Mail.¹ The first movie we got was I Am Legend, which we watched last week. I wrote my customary little review of the movie, but it got me thinking about something that was only tangentially related, so I thought I'd talk a little more about it.

I Am Legend is essentially a zombie movie. Will Smith is the last man alive in New York City, and the "zombies" come out at night. Of course, these aren't your traditional movie zombies that can't move faster than a slow walk. That just isn't scary enough. These are wild, ferocious, feral monsters that can break through walls and leap up buildings. You will never see these sorts of zombies dancing together in a music video.

It seems to me that there have been quite a few of these new zombie movies in the last few years. In 1990 there was a remake of the Romero/Russo 1968 cult classic Night of the Living Dead. I've seen bits of the 1990 version, and the zombies in that movie were still fairly slow, although a bit faster and deadlier than the older version.² But the recent zombie flicks like 28 Days Later (and its sequel, 28 Weeks Later) feature more mobile zombies. The Resident Evil trilogy of movies, like their video game progenitors, feature fast and vicious creatures, like those in I Am Legend. I also think that it's interesting that the zombie trend seems to branch out beyond the horror film genre. All the above films are visions of the relatively near future. And the cult sci-fi series Firefly, with its accompanying movie, Serenity, also featured a rabid group of people (called "reavers") that bore a very strong resemblance to the new zombies.

I'm not sure exactly why the new zombies have been so popular, but I have a few guesses. The first reason is because the old zombies just aren't that scary anymore. People don't go for suspense or anticipation anymore -- they want the blood and guts. The old, slow, shuffling zombies that appeared in Thriller and were lampooned in Shaun of the Dead don't draw the crowds. So movie makers feel the need to up the zombie ante.

My second guess as to why movies have super-zombies is because of video games. Zombie video games have long been popular, in part because it's a good excuse to blow away a lot of people without making it seem too dehumanizing. Honestly, what other possible scenario would make a shotgun-wielding, trigger-happy homicidal maniac a hero? But in order for the games to be more challenging, the video game zombies can't just shuffle around. That would be like a Duck Hunt of the Living Dead.³ So the zombies get a little more energetic. Obviously, this hypothesis works well with the Resident Evil movies, since they are based on video games, but I think it also affected similar movies of the genre.

My third guess as to the reasons behind the new generation of zombies is based in the common reason given for the existence of zombies. In the old zombie flicks, there wasn't always a reason given as to why there were a bunch of dead people wandering around, eating the living. It was unexplained or identified as black magic, and left at that. The new zombie films usually identify the reason as some mutation, genetically-engineered virus, experiment gone wrong, nuclear disaster, or some other post-modern disaster. These sorts of zombies are less based in the original concepts of zombies taken from voodoo and other Haitian traditions, so they need not be restricted by the previous zombie conventions. In fact, mutations or viruses might provide some fictional rationale for a super-strong and super-fast zombie group.

Finally, I think the new zombie movies have super-zombies because special effects make it possible. Half of the summer blockbuster movies in the last decade seem to have been made just because technology now makes it possible to render the images contained in the movie.⁴ Some writer or movie executive says, "Hey, we can make fast and scary zombies with computers. Lets' do it!"

My reasons may be way off base, but those are my hypotheses. Clearly, I have given this topic far more thought than any such frivolous subject merits. But I'm not alone -- you should see how many zombie fan sites there are on the Internet. And a few years ago a man named Max Brooks published a fanciful how-to manual called The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead, which laid out in impressive detail how to survive during a zombie apocalypse. Maybe it takes someone with no life to write about a group of monsters with a similar problem.

__________________
¹ Seriously, best graduation present ever. I love my mother-in-law. She knows that I can count on one hand the times I've been to a movie theater in the past three years. I have a lot of movies to catch up on. Actually, if you can think of a movie that you liked in the last three or four years, suggest it in the comments and I'll put it in our queue.
² I intentionally omitted Army of Darkness from this brief review of zombie flicks because I don't think skeleton warriors qualify as zombies. However, since the horror genre is just about my least favorite, I'm sure I missed some good zombie movies. Anyone have some other examples of the increasingly mobile zombie evolution?
³ Although that could be a kinda fun game. With all the zombie fans out there, I thought someone must have made a flash-based zombie shooting game. Sure enough, there are several. So many, in fact, that there are sites that aggregate all the zombie games. For example, here's a top 10 list of zombie games.
⁴ How else can you explain Wild Wild West, Anaconda, The Phantom Menace, Alien vs. Predator, etc.? Someone should tell movie executives that just because it is possible to make a movie, that doesn't mean that it is advisable.

Thoughts in the supermarket checkout line

• The biggest misnomer in the publishing world is People Magazine's list of the 100 Most Beautiful People. Are these people really the most beautiful? Of course not. They're just the most popular right now. Beauty has nothing to do with it. If Johnny Depp is really that attractive, he would have been declared the most sexy man long before he surfaced in Pirates of the Caribbean. Why wasn't he even on the list before his career took off? Could it be that beauty is a figment of popularity and not actual looks? Perish the thought. Although, if that were the case, the 100 Most Beautiful People list would merely represent those with the most recent and successful plastic surgeries. On second thought, no. That's gross. (See Goldie Hawn, etc.)
• According to the tabloids, almost every couple is perpetually on the rocks. Bill and Hillary are about to end it. Brad and Angelina just had a fight. David and Victoria Beckham are splitting up. Pamela Anderson and whomever she's married to at the moment are on the breaks. Of course, celebrity couples break up so often that most tabloids can claim they were right all along.
• Is there some sort of industry requirement that women's magazines have a "sex secret" or "sex tip" column in each issue? I don't remember ever seeing one without it. And are there really any sex secrets left? Each new issue declares some new trick that will inevitably "blow his mind." And yet, I find it extremely unlikely that these claims can be true month after month. Though there seems to be no lack of people willing to believe it. But practically speaking, if someone really did discover something new about sex, they wouldn't publish it in a two-bit weekly. They'd patent the process and make millions. (I love the idea of patenting a sex move. I also think the patent application would be hilarious, especially the discussion of the originality elements.)
  

My new jacket

I bought a lightweight jacket last week for running. It wasn't a fancy jacket, but I didn't need a fancy jacket. I just needed something for when it's a little cold and it's raining.

I got a bit of a chuckle when I looked at the tag on the jacket, however. It showed people doing adventuresome things like roller-blading, dirt-biking, and running. None of those people, however, were wearing the company's clothing.

The label also showed a diagram of the jacket. It was designed to highlight the features of the jacket, such as repelling wind and resisting water. But if you look at the diagram, the bottom layer is your skin. I don't think your skin counts as part of the garment. Moreover, if you have to include the person's skin in the diagram, the garment probably isn't complicated enough to necessitate an explanatory visual aide.

To top it all off, the last portion of the tag declares that the jacket "guarantees that you stay dry with keeping a perfect body climate." That kind of diction and sentence structure is the sure-fire mark of a non-English speaker.

None of these comments, however, are meant to criticize the actual jacket. I used it over the weekend and it performed admirably. I stayed dry along with keeping a good body climate, and my skin functioned well with the shell material, just as the diagram indicated. Truly amazing.

Darwin Award nominees

We've had family unexpectedly come into town, and have been extremely busy dealing with them. So no blogging lately. Here's a quick update, and a little humor.

Last Friday I turned in my seminar paper. It wasn't good, but it was done, and it's enough to graduate. Let's hope that the professor doesn't read it. (I don't think he will. I think he'll scan it, so I made sure that the headings looked good.) Yesterday I cleared out my locker and study carrell, the latter of which had over 20 pounds of paper in it. Most of it I threw out, although some of it is for ongoing research for a pro bono project, so I had to hold onto it. More junk on my computer desk at home.

Yesterday I also finished up a some paperwork and miscellaneous tasks for a few clubs. So I'm officially done with all of my student duties. Not that I won't be back -- I'm actually hoping to come back to school and help out with an career exploration program we started last year. But I'm basically done being a student.

Even though it's sort of lame and uncool, I still host this blog through Blogger. I still hate some things about it, but it works nicely with some of the other Google-owned services. They just updated Google Docs to allow embedding of presentations, so I thought I'd try it out and post a funny little presentation I found a few years ago. This is what you would call lazy blogging, but hey, at least I'm posting.

I have a brief story to accompany that little slide show. As most of you know, I used to live in Venezuela. One evening I was walking from a bus stop to a friend's house, and I saw some guys on the side of the road doing some repair work on a bus.¹ They had removed the gas tank, and were carrying it over to a work bench. The tank was open on the top and I could hear that there was still some gasoline in it sloshing around. That's when I realized that one of the guys was smoking.

I was still shaking my head at their stupidity when I heard a voice above me call out for some more wire. I looked up to see a guy who had climbed an electrical pole and was hooking up his house to the electric wires himself.² He was barefoot, wearing nothing but jean shorts, and he was trying to be careful not to cross wires or touch the big cables, which weren't insulated at all. I decided to walk a little faster; I didn't want to be near the bus or the electrical pole if something went drastically wrong. Things like that are part of why women in Venezuela live more than 6 years more than men, on average.
_______________
¹ This was actually a pretty common sight. Most public transportation in Venezuela at the time was privately owned and only loosely regulated, if it was regulated at all. Most buses always needed some work, so the bus drivers or owners would work on them in the evenings when the temperatures dropped. The cigarette/gas tank combo was not a frequent sight, thankfully, although stuff like that happened all the time.
² The vast majority of people in Venezuela steal electricity. They just run wires up to the electric poles and tap in. It's especially common in slums, where nothing is regulated, but you see it more organized parts of the city too. I would hope that most people wear rubber gloves when the do it, however. Or at least shoes.

¡Ay, caramba, Presidente!

We can add another entry in the long list of silly stunts pulled by Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez. Well, to be fair, it's not exactly clear what role he had in this decision, but it's funny nonetheless. Televen, the Venezuelan state-owned television, has been forced to pull The Simpsons from the air because it is a "bad influence" on children. That, in itself, is perhaps notable but not ridiculous. The choice of replacement, however, is just that. Instead of The Simpsons, Venezuelan children are now treated to reruns of Baywatch Hawaii every morning. To quote NPR, "kids will now be able to watch voluptuous gals cavorting on the beach" rather than the Simpson family's escapades. Which would you rather have your kids watch?

The story gets even funnier when you read some of the statements and press releases. For example, the regulatory agency that forced Televen to pull The Simpsons said that airing the animated show in the morning could violate the national regulations prohibiting "messages that go against the whole education of boys, girls and adolescents." This statement implies that the new choice of programming does contribute to the "education of boys, girls, and adolescents." If education is defined broadly enough to include human anatomy, I think that's perfectly true.

Nevertheless, the network doesn't seem too pleased with the lineup change. According to German Perez Nahim, general manager for Televen, The Simpsons "had the highest levels of viewership for that morning timetable in the history of the channel." Now they can only hope that slow-motion jiggling will have the same effect.

Via NPR.

Image sources: Michael Ray and Telegraph.co.uk. Usage presumed permissible under 17 U.S.C. § 107.

Sentient computers

So The Office is starting up again in a few weeks, with a new episode on April 10. Which is only tangentially related to the topic of this post. The other day I was thinking about the episode where Jim and Pam convince Dwight that the new Dunder-Mifflin computer system has gained sentience and is out to destroy him. I started thinking about fictional depictions of computer sentience. They seem to fall into a couple general categories:

The first bunch depict these sentient computers as malevolent machines trying to destroy or enslave the human race. Think the Terminator series or The Matrix Trilogy.¹ This category works well with action movies, so you see a fair number of them.

The second category of fictional sentient computers depicts them as child-like. Cite to Steven Spielberg's A.I., the Robert Heinlein classic The Moon is a Harsh Mistress, Data from Star Trek, and most of Isaac Asimov's short stories.² These computers are basically like child geniuses who know a lot but are still learning what it means to be a person. Almost inevitably, these depictions involve a quest for the computer or robot to become more human-like.

A third, in-between category of sentient computers are the kind that start out nice and end up mean. Some examples could include the HAL 9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey, the Braniac computer from Superman's home planet,³ Krypton, and the VIKI central computer in the movie I, Robot. Once again, this kind of computer makes for good cinema, so there are a lot of movie examples.

As I was thinking of how writers like to depict sentient computers, it occurred to me that they've probably got it all wrong. If a computer ever really did "wake up," I don't think its first impulses would be to conquer the world, become human, or to help out and then become evil. In fact, if sentient computers ever happen, I think they'll develop the same traits as their creators. Which means we'll have a bunch of immature practical jokers on our hands. And if you think about it, how do we know that our computers haven't already woken up? Ever computer I've ever used had lots of funny quirks and tricks. How do we know this isn't the computers' way of getting a good laugh?

______________________________
¹ If you're familiar with the backstory of The Matrix (as depicted in The Second Renaissance) you know that the machines didn't start out malevolent. Contrast that with the SKYNET computer in Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines that nukes every human city as its first cognizant act. However, as far as the films go, the Matrix machines are definitely more interested in enslaving humans rather than making peace with them. They may go in my third category over-all, but in the movies they are distinctly first category material.
² "Bicentennial Man" is a good example of the child-like robot. It, too, was made into a movie. This is not to say that Asimov didn't contemplate the possibility of more malevolent robots. His short stories "Robot Dreams" and "Little Lost Robot" both hint at a creepy possibility in robots, and the ideas were incorporated somewhat into the I, Robot film.
³ The character of Brainiac has as many interpretations as there are versions of the Superman series. The version that most prominently portrays Brainiac as the corrupted central computer is actually the animated series. In the comic books and other portrayals, Brainiac more closely resembles the first, malevolent category.

Legally Blonde moment

My sister really loves the movie Legally Blonde. Whenever I mention something about law school, she says, "Oh, like in Legally Blonde." The movie in general bears no resemblance to reality, either in or out of law school, but there are a few small details that are fairly accurate. So I grudgingly admit that she's right.

However, a friend of mine had a truly Legally Blonde moment last summer while working at a prosecutor's office in California. They gave him a bunch of little cases to work on, like drug possession and other misdemeanors. My friend was questioning a defendant about the incident, and it went something like this

My Friend: Alright, let me try to understand the situation correctly. You and your buddy were in the house when the cop got there, right?
Defendant: Yeah.
My Friend: Where were you?
Defendant: I was sitting on the couch.
My Friend: Where was your friend?
Defendant: In the kitchen.
My Friend: And where was the cop?
Defendant: At the door.
My Friend: Where were the drugs?
Defendant: In the bathroom. Oh . . .

My friend calls this his "Perry Mason Moment," but even I have to admit it's a lot more like the scene in Legally Blonde where Luke Wilson's character asks the alleged lover of the woman on trail what his boyfriend's name is and he responds without thinking, "Chuck."

I never thought I'd say it, but the guy with the pot should have seen the movie. It might have saved him some trouble.

Haiku headlines

A few brief poems about current events, roughly inspired by a blog post I saw a few months ago.

Romney steps aside
For "good of the party"; Huck
has own good in mind.

Drama, drug use, and
repetitive lyrics bring
Winehouse Grammy win.

New England loses;
'72 Dolphins breathe
big sigh of relief.

Fun and games

We spent most of last week visiting my parents, and we had enough fun that we didn't do much blogging. (Becca did post some pictures of us making a snowman, however, which you should check out if you haven't seen them already.) We did some shopping, I went running around the old neighborhood with my dad, and we ate lots of cookies. We also did some work on our car (we put in some new brake pads in front) and saw my sister who just got back from living in Berlin.

Whenever we spend time with my family, we end up playing a lot of games. Usually we end up with half a dozen laptops on the kitchen table and a 3 vs 3 Starcraft game, but this year Starcraft got postponed because my brother got an extra guitar for Guitar Hero I and II on his PS2. I've seen people play Guitar Hero before, but now that I've tried it, I know why people are so crazy about it. It's a very fun game, with really high replayability, and it's fun to play with other people. The easy setting on the game makes it easy to learn -- so much, in fact, that my dad did okay playing the first time, and he really doesn't ever play video games. You pick it up quickly, but there are plenty of more challenging settings and songs, and the features and options are funny and clever, so it stays fun for a long time. We spent several days pretending to rock out. Perhaps it's an exercise in mediocrity that we need video games to make us feel like we have musical talent. But Becca liked the game too, and she has a degree in music, so it's not just for lazy folks.

We also do a lot of card games when we visit my family. My sister's favorite game is Bang, a game set in the Old West, with a Sheriff and Deputies fighting with Outlaws and Renegades. (It's sort of like a better-developed version of Mafia.) The game is actually from Italy, though, so all the names and descriptions are in Italina (with English translations underneath). My dad speaks Italian and we grew up hearing it a lot at home, so we like to throw around badly pronounced Italian phrases whenever we play Bang.

However, my favorite game we played this year was an old favorite of ours, Mille Bournes. It's a French game with a road race theme, and the purpose of the game is to race one thousand miles (milles bournes, in French) before the other players. You try to lay down mile cards and play hazard cards (flat tires, out of gas, etc.) on the other players, while they try to do the same to you. Like Bang, all the cards are in French with English subtitles, so there's lots of bad French phrases when we play. We found a classic version of the game in a specialty game store, which is cool because the original artwork is a lot better than the illustrations in the new version. Since we liked the game so much, we gave it to my family for Christmas.

When we played it on Saturday, the game was long, loud, and hysterically funny. We were playing on teams, and my Mom and Dad were coordinating their moves together, which is against the rules. But they said it was okay, since they were doing it in French (the both took French in high school). We couldn't get them to stop, so several times during the game my sister exploded with insults and accusations in German, my brother was spouting the same in Portuguese, my dad responded in Italian, and I was telling everyone to stop cheating in Spanish. I guess I have a weird family.

But the best foreign language moments were when we tried to say things in French with a limited vocabulary. My dad kept laying down hazard cards on other people and talking trash in French, and we responded with the only French words we knew. So I would shout "C'est impossible!" My brother hadn't ever taken French, so he would slam down a hazard card and say things like "Le poisson!" or "Je suis pain!"

One part of the game involves playing a "safety card" when someone else tries to give you a hazard card. If you have the safety card that protects against that hazard, you can immediately play the safety card and you get more points. When you play the safety card, you're supposed to say "Coup fourré!" (a fencing term meaning "counter-thrust). My brother and sister couldn't remember what to say, so my sister would lay the card down and shout "That French thing!" My brother, on the other hand, was more imaginative. When he played his safety card, he slapped it on the table and proudly announced, "Crème brûlée!"

This Day in History - Satan wins his case

On December 3, 1971, one of my favorite federal court cases was handed down, giving Satan a legal victory. Yes, that's right, the Devil himself got sued and won. (Feel free to make any "devil's advocate" jokes here.) It's one of my favorite court cases to read, and since it's so short, I've reproduced it here with a little commentary and explanation of terms in the footnotes. And yes, this is a real court case.

54 F.R.D. 282

UNITED STATES v. SATAN AND HIS STAFF
W.D.Pa., 1971

United States District Court, W. D. Pennsylvania.
UNITED STATES ex rel. Gerald MAYO
v.
SATAN AND HIS STAFF.
Misc. No. 5357.

Dec. 3, 1971.

Gerald Mayo, pro se.¹

MEMORANDUM ORDER
WEBER, District Judge.
Plaintiff, alleging jurisdiction under 18 U.S.C. §241, 28 U.S.C. §1343, and 42 U.S.C. §1983 prays for leave to file a complaint for violation of his civil rights in forma pauperis. He alleges that Satan has on numerous occasions caused plaintiff misery and unwarranted threats, against the will of plaintiff, that Satan has placed deliberate obstacles in his path and has caused plaintiff's downfall.

Plaintiff alleges that by reason of these acts Satan has deprived him of his constitutional rights.

We feel that the application to file and proceed in forma pauperis² must be denied. Even if plaintiff's complaint reveals a prima facie³ recital of the infringement of the civil rights of a citizen of the United States, the Court has serious doubts that the complaint reveals a cause of action upon which relief can be granted by the court. We question whether plaintiff may obtain personal jurisdiction over the defendant in this judicial district.⁴ The complaint contains no allegation of residence in this district. While the official reports disclose no case where this defendant has appeared as defendant there is an unofficial account of a trial in New Hampshire where this defendant filed an action of mortgage foreclosure as plaintiff.⁵ The defendant in that action was represented by the preeminent advocate of that day, and raised the defense that the plaintiff was a foreign prince with no standing to sue in an American Court. This defense was overcome by overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Whether or not this would raise an estoppel in the present case we are unable to determine at this time.

If such action were to be allowed we would also face the question of whether it may be maintained as a class action. It appears to meet the requirements of Fed.R. of Civ.P. 23 that the class is so numerous that joinder of all members is impracticable, there are questions of law and fact common to the class, and the claims of the representative party is typical of the claims of the class. We cannot now determine if the representative party will fairly protect the interests of the class.⁶

We note that the plaintiff has failed to include with his complaint the required form of instructions for the United States Marshal for directions as to service of process.⁷

For the foregoing reasons we must exercise our discretion to refuse the prayer of plaintiff to proceed in forma pauperis.

It is ordered that the complaint be given a miscellaneous docket number and leave to proceed in forma pauperis be denied.

W.D.Pa., 1971
U. S. ex rel. Mayo v. Satan and his Staff
54 F.R.D. 282

_____________________
¹ Pro se is a Latin term that means that the person is representing his or herself in court without an attorney. In this case, the guy probably couldn't find an attorney who was willing to embarass him or herself by filing a case against Satan.
² "In forma pauperis" is another Latin legal term meaning that the court would waive filing fees, which can be quite expensive in a case like this.
³ Even more Latin mumbo jumbo. A "prima facie" case means that the appellant or plaintiff has shown all the necessary information required by law. As you can probably tell, the court is pretty skeptical that Mr. Mayo can actually prove that Satan and/or his minions have violated Mr. Mayo's constitutional rights.
⁴ I think this is actually pretty funny. In order to try a case, a court has to have jurisdiction over someone. You can't really sue someone from China in your home state unless they have some connection to that state. It Here, the court is questioning whether it has jurisdiction over Satan.
⁵ Yes, that means that Satan sued someone in New Hampshire. I actually like the legal tactic of the defense attorney in the New Hampshire case, arguing that Satan is a "foreign prince" who can't sue in the U.S. I guess the tactic didn't work in the old New Hampshire case and Satan still could sue the guy, but the court in this case is still skeptical.
⁶ You may already know this, but a class action lawsuit is when one person or a small group of people sue someone (or more often, a company) on behalf of all similarly situated people. One of the requirements for a case to be certified as a class action is that the named parties adequately represent the interests of all the people in the class. The problem in this case is that Mr. Mayo would have to show that his alleged temptations and pitfalls were the same or similar as other people's, and that he would represent their interests in a lawsuit against Satan. I can only assume that Satan worshipers would be able to remove themselves from the class.
⁷ This is, without a doubt, the best line in the whole case. In order to sue somebody, you have to give them written notice that they are being sued. In federal court, this usually requires federal marshals to go to the defendant's place of residence or business and serve them with a copy of the complaint. Except Mr. Mayo can't exactly provide the marshals with an address of where to find the defendant, because the defendant is Satan. And that would mean that he'd have to tell the marshals to go to hell.

The string cheese incident

Hot on the heels of yesterday's militant metaphor of parenting, here's the full text of an email I got from Becca today:

somewhere on your side of the closet Lindsay has hidden her string cheese. No idea where it went. Watch out for it.

When gravity takes hold

This is one of the best cartoons I've seen in years.

Seriously, I think tattoos are pretty foolish. There are worse things to do, but getting a tattoo seems like an exercise in short-sightedness. Why would you want to provide a graphic metric for how much your body sags over the years? Women seem to get them in places like right above the butt or on the abdomen, but in a few years those little illustrations look like they're melting. Not to mention the inevitable fading and bleeding that happens to all tattoos. Bleah.

Another funny thing about tattoos is how people tend to choose stupid things to indelibly write on their skin. Names of girlfriends, favorite bands, etc. -- these things, by their very nature, are usually short-term, but that doesn't stop lots of people from tattooing them in visible places on their bodies. The other thing that doesn't make sense is how often people get tattoos when they're totally sloshed. Sugar Ray front man Mark McGrath got a tattoo removed a few years back, and he had this to say: "Never let Jack Daniels pick out your tattoo." Sounds like good advice to me.

Spider Pig

Have you seen this clip from The Simpsons Movie? It's one of the clips the studio released on YouTube. It's kinda funny, I guess.


Like many Internet novelties, this one has taken on a life of it's own. I stumbled across this tribute song when I was poking around the Songza website. Give it a listen, just for fun. I think it's more entertaining than the original clip.

Dubious

Sometimes life has a delicious sense of irony. I got one of those implausible spam emails today promising me a fortune if I give someone my bank information. A nice gentleman named Eric Harford from South Africa promised me the deal of a lifetime!

I am Eric Harford,and I work in the international operation department in a Local Bank here in South Africa. On a routine inspection, I discovered a dormant domiciliary account with a BAL Of 36,000,000 (Thirty Six Million USD) on further discreet investigation I also discovered that the account holder has long since passed away(dead)leaving no beneficiary to the account.
...
I will provide you with the necessary information all the legal documents needed in other to claim this money, But only what you will be required to do is to open an account where this can be transferred urgently even an empty a\c,is still ok!. So if you are interested capable, then send me your private Telephone Number immediately so that i can call you for more details. Send to me any account number you would like us to use to make this transfer.

The email is formatted fairly well, and the spelling is mostly correct, but the atrocious grammar belies its shady intentions. I guess the subject of the email is a dead giveaway, too. But just in case I wasn't sure about it, my own email box gave me a subtle hint as to the nature of the message. Look what email appeared right below Eric Harford's offer:

Yes, that's right, the word of the day is dubious.

Elton John and the Chipmunks

This morning I was listening to some music streaming from my online storage, and I got a funny surprise. For some reason my copy of Elton John's "Bennie and the Jets" plays at double speed, making it sound like it's a cover tune by Alvin and the Chipmunks. I posted a copy of it below so you can hear how it sounds -- I think it's hilarious.

Getting their money's worth

Maybe the L.A. Galaxy is getting its money's worth out of David Beckham after all. After being sidelined and enduring the taunting of fans, Beckham started his first game for the Galaxy in high fashion. He had one goal off a free kick in a classic Beckham moment, and also an assist to Landon Donovan. Check out the video of Beckham's free kick here and Donovan's goal here.

This photo of the kick is funny to me for two reasons. First, Beckham's awkward leg position shows how he puts the spin on the ball that makes it hook around and find the corner of the net -- the infamous "bend" that everyone talks about. It's a cool trick, but it looks wonky when you freeze the frame. The second thing that makes me laugh is the defender in the middle, the one with the bandaged hand. Unlike the other fellows, who are leaping and trying to block the kick, the bandaged guy is just standing there. He looks like he's coughing, or perhaps hiding a burp. "Sorry, guys, I had pizza with anchovies for lunch."

Via all-encompassingly.

Cereal controversy

If you haven't heard, breakfast cereal is making headlines on Capitol Hill. Some lawmakers and interest groups think the food industry should be regulated because food companies advertise their sugary cereals during kids' shows. According to these advocates, those ads are contributing to the "epidemic" of child obesity in America. I'm not sure where the parents figure into the equation, but they must not be very important because the cereal companies apparently have more control over the children's diets than the parents.

Apparently adults aren't immune to those commercials either. I still eat Cap'n Crunch sometimes. In fact, deciding what cereal I will have for breakfast is one of the major decisions I make every day. I'm a big fan of Frosted Mini-Wheats, because they're whole grain and they fill me up longer than other cereals. We also keep wheat puffs and raisin bran on hand. My latest favorite cereal, however, is a müsli mix with lots of dried fruit. It doesn't have any sugar added, so all the sweetness comes from the fruit. I've been a big fan of it lately. So even though I still relapse and eat Cap'n Crunch, I guess my cereal eating habits have evolved somewhat since childhood.

I don't think I was too damaged by the subtle advertising campaigns of cereal companies during my childhood. I don't think Lucky Charms is single-handedly spreading obesity across America. But cereal commercials do provide an interesting view of child psychology. Eat Trix, because the rabbit can't! Or eat Lucky Charms, because it's stolen from a leprechaun! Those ads really don't make sense when you think about them, but kids still like to eat the cereal. Writer and humorist Joel Stein actually thinks that cereal ads are an exercise in capitalism. If you like, listen to his story of picking out cereal by clicking on the media player below.

More lawyer humor

I'm having some trouble uploading my videos of the jousting match from the Tennessee Renaissance Festival, so in the meantime, here's a bit of lawyer humor that most people can appreciate.

A friend of mine emailed me this story about a New Orleans lawyer who was trying to get a loan from the Federal Housing Administration for a client who lost his house in hurricane Katrina and wanted to rebuild. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to the parcel of property being offered as collateral.

The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he purportedly received the following reply:

Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.

The lawyer was rather annoyed by this response, and supposedly wrote this snide letter in return:

Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the Privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella.

The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.

Now the Pope, as I assure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana.

God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory

Now, may we have our d___ loan?

I thought that was funny. It's probably entirely fabricated, but who knows? According to the email, they got the loan.